I became a christian when I was 4 years old (don't remember it at all) and grew up in an amazing christian family. I attended church every Sunday, volunteered in the children’s ministry as a small group leader for 2nd grade boys (best.group.ever.) for 7 years, went through all the motions of Christianity, and about six years ago I almost killed myself.
Up until 7th or 8th grade (I don’t remember which year exactly) it was more of a religion than a relationship to me, though I knew He was real and loved me, etc, etc. In 7th grade (I think?) I reconnected with a friend I had in elementary school. She had claimed to be a Christian, but her life & words didn't reflect it. She was a big influence to me (being one of my only friends at the time) and her negative words & humor were wearing at times. Satan had used a lot of her words as poison against me (unbeknownst to her), and his lies hit deep in my heart. Through hers & others' words, Satan had the perfect opportunity to take me down - and he did. I didn't remember any of this until about two years ago, it had been completely blocked from my memory. The image I always get in my head is him grabbing me by the ankle & dragging me down to him, in his presence (which is not a fun place to be, I might add). I went through about 2 years of depression, during which time I was suicidal. I can’t remember very much about what happened during that time - it’s blocked from my memory - but I remember a few things: I remember basically giving up on God, and because of that, experiencing the unbearable feeling of being completely isolated & alone; separated from God, and unable to feel His presence. No one knew that I battled that, until about two years ago. And even in explaining what happened, no one could ever know the extent of what I went through – I still don’t realize the full extent of it at times. I remember the overwhelming lies of being worthless, hopeless, and a burden to those around me. I remember going over all of the possible ways to kill myself; hanging, drowning, knife, pills, and gun were what dominated my thoughts (by God's goodness we didn't own a gun, or I wouldn't be here). I remember not being able to cut onions, because whenever I held the butcher knife I was overwhelmed with temptation to cut my throat, and that wasn't how I wanted to go. There were times I had to stay out of the kitchen completely because of it. I remember holding a handful of pills in my hand. A split second away from taking them God intervened and stopped me, though I didn’t realize it was Him at the time. And lastly, I remember laying curled up in the shower, sobbing because I had completely hit rock bottom. My options and chances to kill myself grew less efficient, there was seemingly no escape to what was happening, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Here's the thing: even if I reached the point of not wanting to kill myself, I was still constantly be taunted and tempted to do it. There's no way I can describe it, but it's overwhelming and horrifying; demons are real and I was very much in their presence. As a last resort, I gave it up to God and let Him try to fix it. That was the last thing I remember from that time, everything else resulted in healing, growth, and establishing my relationship with Him. I had real faith after that, and I came out not with a religion, but a relationship. I didn’t realize it until about two years ago, but because of all that I went through, I know the true meaning of grace. Had God not intervened, I wouldn’t have had that opportunity, or any other opportunity that He has blessed me with since. And had all of that not happened, I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am today. I felt guilty & ashamed that it didn't take much to break me, but I'm finding that that's often the case with people who aren't firmly founded in Christ - the enemy has a powerful hold on them, but not one that God can't break. The more solid your faith & relationship with God, the harder it is to break you.
This next part I remember more clearly, as it happened almost 2 years ago. It was during this time that I began remembering & uncovering all that had happened seven years ago. I had gone and seen a movie with a youth group called To Save A Life (fantastic movie), which was about teen suicide and hearing & listening to the cries around us, and being Christ’s agent in in reaching out to them. I remember feeling pretty strongly towards it, but I linked that more with my, at that time, significant other, who was recently (before we met) suicidal & still dealt with depression at times. We broke up less than a month later, and during that time I started, through a lot of prayer, remembering more of what had happened to me seven years ago. I had told 2 of my closest friends about that time, and some pretty cool things came of it. Through the next 3 or so months I uncovered more and more of what had happened, and discovered how powerfully God worked during that time, and all He had done through it. Because of that, Satan was super angry, and during those 3 months I went through constant spiritual warfare; as great, if not greater, than what I went through seven years ago. I wasn’t suicidal, however, though Satan tried tempting me in that way several times. Because I had a more solid faith this time around, it went very differently. But I was completely spiritually & emotionally exhausted for those 3 months. All energy was being used to defend against the enemy, and it was beginning to wear on me. From the beginning I started to have little anxiety attacks, during which I had more difficulty breathing, resulting in my body jerking forward trying to breath. I battled through more depression as well, as the enemy used what had happened seven years ago to condemn me.
Towards the end all I would do was sit in my closet, listen to music that applied to that time in my life & what I was going through, pray, and try to breath. Listening to that music towards the end wasn’t the wisest of things to do, as it was no longer an encouragement for what God had done, but instead became a way for Satan to condemn me and pull me down, just a little at a time. I had grown so tired in every sense of the word, that I was about done. Because I was so ready to be done, I think I inadvertently tried to take away God’s control, and take it upon myself to end things. That worked out super well. During the last week of this battle, things grew a bit more severe. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I had absolutely no energy (part of that was because I was also in a huge health battle), and I spent more time in my closet, listening to music, praying, and jerking for breath. The last day of this I remember the clearest. Throughout the span of the day I had done the closet routine 3-4 separate times, and was then so exhausted & weighed down that I was in tears most of that day. Something to know about me: I can’t/don’t cry. Part of the reason being cause I hardened my heart after everything happened seven years ago (God's been working on that), and I'm just not emotional. I have to be super tired, my blood sugar usually has to be low, and I have to be completely overwhelmed to do so. And even then, it’s short lived and un-releasing. During the last hour or so of this things were unbearably heavy. That feeling of being overwhelmed and taunted & tempted by Satan and his demons, while they shouted their lies was ever present. God gave me another boost of strength & truth, which carried me through the battle and helped me rise above all that I had been struggling over. I was finally coming out of the battle that I had been in for months, and Satan was not happy. As a final push and last resort, he sent a powerful demon my way, or maybe it was him himself, I don’t know. But whatever it was, I could physically feel it screaming inches from my face, demanding that I kill myself. I officially lost it at that point, surrendered it all to God, and cast it out in His name. Unsurpassing peace flooded over me the second it had left. I could physically feel God’s arms wrapped around me directly after that.
Through all that, God taught me what grace is, what it means to truly rely & depend on Him, how to have peace & trust in Him, and give Him control. I've developed a passion for words & people being aware of how they can affect people, I've realized a love of hearing peoples testimonies & seeing how God has worked in their lives (no matter how small it may seem), I've discovered a love of listening to people talk about what they're going through (and giving feedback if the time calls for it), I've become a prayer warrior, truth speaker & spiritual warfare veteran as me mum & I say, and I've formed beautiful scars that are a reminder of God's truth.
I'm reminded every day of what God has done in my life - through flashbacks of demons, or straight up demon attacks - and I'm reminded of how powerful & wonderful He really is. God has blessed me with reminders for me every day; whenever I hear a train whistle, or see a Camaro, or pass a llama, I'm reminded of His promises & love for me. I still face & deal with a lot of spiritual warfare, but God has been doing amazing things through it all.
Psalm 18:16-19
" 16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters. 17 He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. 18 They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. 19 He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me."
I am not an accident; a masterpiece; chosen; worth dying for; new; forgiven; free from condemnation; blameless in God's sight; perfect in God's sight; holy; God's possession; loved; accepted; adopted; a child of God; a temple of the Holy Spirit; being healed; sealed forever; never alone; Jesus' friend; worth protecting; rich; able through Jesus; adequate; not hopeless; a winner; sent by God; a light to the world; going to be perfect; going to live forever; a citizen of heaven; me.
